The Long Coat

Ever notice a lot more attractive men wearing long coats these days?

This may be a bit of an insight on men's fashion, but I can't help but wonder what has suddenly got this long coat movement going when it comes to men's fashion. It's a good thing, don't get me wrong. I personally like the look of a long coat of a man, but it's still quite interesting. Has it been something that's always been there, or am I just noticing it now as I watch some of my favorite T.V. shows and movies and think to myself, "Damn, he's hot." As he walks by, his coat billowing back.

Let's face it, who doesn't like to watch something flow behind them? It looks freakin cool, even if it's probably not practical at all. It makes things that much more interesting. Suddenly the guy looks mysterious. Why is that?

Awkward pic of the day!

An Idea to Honor World AIDS Day

The older I get, the closer to home HIV comes. Close in the fact that I know a few people that have it. That's a few people too many.

December 1st is a day that's considered World AIDS Day. I have a proposition for that day. I propose to raise awareness of this horrible disease, everyone posts a fact about HIV/AIDS. Even if you think it's a fact that everybody knows. You'd be surprised how many people, today, don't know that HIV can be spread through shared needles.

All you need to do to participate in this campaign is to do these three things....

1. Share this Awkward Moments Post with your family and friends. Through Facebook, Twitter, whatever you feel is the best way to do this.

2. Take this time to research. If you don't have the time to research, go ahead and come up with a fact that you learned all the way back in grade school.

3. When you've found a fact, post this on your Facebook, Twitter, etc.

The more knowledge the people have, then the more likely people will protect themselves from this disease. As the saying goes, "Knowledge is power."

There is no awkward picture for this post. This is a little too serious to post a picture. So please, spread this around. If you have time, research. If you don't, that's all right. Let's see how much awareness we can come up with for this disease!

iPod Addiction

I've done it. I've done the one thing that I thought I'd never do. I've become addicted to mobile internet devices. This one, in particular, is my iPod.

Being in China, it actually makes it quite easy to find myself relying on it. Not just for Chinese translation on words I don't know, but also for things like trying to figure out subway maps and how to write different things, and books so you're not constantly stuffing your bag full of them. I've still got a notebook, though.

Awkward picture of the day!

Things to do

In two days, I'll be leaving the country and heading off to China. But there's still a couple things I need to do yet.

1. Come up with a title for a new blog documenting all my experiences in China in the form of writing blogs and videos.

2. Come up with a name for my new youtube series once I get to China.

3. Buy the VPN subscription so I can access facebook and youtube once I'm out in China.

Awkward Pic of the day!

Philosophies with Awkward Moments

Picture it. You're drunk in a room. You want to do something. Maybe talk smartly! Wouldn't that be awesome? So you decide to have a few drinks, and try to open your mouth and say something. What happens to you?

If you're anything like me, you either sound really creepy or like the worst pervert to ever walk the planet. It doesn't even have to be a pervy conversation, and here you are running your mouth without thinking, and BOOM! Creepy pervert alert! It can be hilarious, but yet if someone doesn't know you well enough you better watch yourself.

So here's the way to strategize for that. There are two very effective ways, I've found, to keep from being the creepy one if you've been drinking just a teeny weeny little bit. Like I have.

1. Stay the fuck away from facebook. Yes, I said it. Many a people in the world have been blocked from others because they decided it would be a great idea to go get drunk and facebook message someone. Whether it was someone they didn't know that well or someone they've known a long time but decided they weren't in the best of terms. Either way, the results weren't as pretty as people would like it to be.

2. Monitor your drinks when you're around someone new. Meaning, don't get drunk with them, especially if you know how you're like when you're drunk. If you are that guy that gets creepy when you drink, you better just keep a buzz when you meet a new person. You'll scare them away so fast it'll be hilarious, but still. If it's someone you actually want to get to know, don't drink too much.

By all means, if you want to drink, then drink up. But don't sit there and expect to be the best person ever if you're going off being Creepy McWeird-fuck.

Awkward picture of the day!

Thunder-Snatch

Today, my car, Thunder-Snatch, is in a state that it hasn't been in since I bought the car. Thunder-snatch is clean and spotless.

Before I brag about my sudden taste in cleaning, let me explain why this is such an accomplishment. The last time I cleaned out my car, I drank pop at the time. Therefore, there were tons of pop cans and bottle strewn about the floor. You couldn't see the floor of the back seat. It was so bad that when I went to clean it, I decided it was a better idea to wear rubber gloves than nothing at all.

In three hours, I'd not only filled up three garbage bags, I'd power-vaccumed like no other. Thunder-snatch looked amazing. Spotless. Something that hasn't happened since the very first time I stepped inside it and started driving. I guess you could say whatever spurt I was having by keeping Thunder-Snatch so gross-looking is gone now!

Classic Awkward pic of the day!

NaNoWriMo: A History

As some of you readers already know, today is the beginning of NaNoWriMo. Others have started seeing references to this event. There's that one writer friend, or that one nerd, dork, or closet artist that has suddenly plastered their Facebook or Twitter pages with this word. NaNoWriMo. All someone can figure out is that it's some sort of event.

This little entry is to give you a brief history of what NaNoWriMo is. That way, you can have something to distract you from the men participating in No-Shave November. There's only so much hair a human being can take. Now, without further ado, here's a brief history of NaNoWriMo.

First off, some of you are probably wonder what the hell NaNoWriMo is. NaNoWriMo is the abbreviated version of "National Novel Writing Month." Writers of all kinds take this month to challenge themselves to write as many words as they can in a month. Others take it literally and try to pump out a novel in that month. This doesn't take editing into account. Otherwise, I could see it being National Novel Writing Winter; which really doesn't sound bad at all. I'd be game. 

The very first NaNoWriMo took place in San Francisco in 1999. A group of 21 people got together, probably brought a lot of junk food, and made a night of it. They wrote like crazy. After they were done, and everything was edited, they published what they worked on that month. In their words, it wasn't really horrible, but it wasn't all that great either.

In the second year of NaNoWriMo, things really took off. A professional website was built for the event. Those 21 people participated the year before took the URL and sent it out to friends, who sent it out to their friends, making the number multiply to 140 people participating. They weren't just from the California area either. Some were participating as far as Canada.

This second year was the year where the guidelines were born. Mainly the main guidelines...

1. Must be original work.
2. Cannot co-author a book.
3. Must be a novel
4. Must be submitted in the nanowrimo website. (Though I must admit, the website guideline is new to me.)

As the years went on, NaNoWriMo grew more and more. The third year saw over 5,000 participants with the help of blogging. A PayPal account was set up to accept donations from participants, and the creators started making revenue by coming up with T-shirt designs and mugs. The media was also catching wind to this literary revolution. Anyone from The Los Angeles Times to CBS News was latching onto the story of a new revolution in writing.

For fourteen years now, NaNoWriMo has been gracing November with its presence. November tends to be a miserable month, so NaNoWriMo is a way to help with the miserable weather. I, myself, discovered this little gem two years ago when I stumbled upon a friend's facebook. I'd seen the word plastered across her facebook so many times I finally went to her and asked her about it. Intrigued, I decided to try it. If nothing else, it would prompt me to finish Prophecy, what you all know as Masked Omen. (Which I have no trouble promoting anywhere I go! CreateSpace and Amazon are where to buy them! Go forth and buy the book!)

And that is the story of NaNoWriMo! Of its origins, of course. If you want to read more about the history of NaNoWriMo, or if you want to sign up for the webstie, itself, just click on the colored NaNoWriMo.

And, of course, your awkward picture of the day!

World War Z

Last night I finally saw World War Z. Gotta say, it was good! I was pleasantly surprised that I'd like this movie, considering the fact that I really don't like zombie movies all that much. They're a little too freaky for me. I tend to have nightmares because of these things. The zombies acted more like hunters instead of slow-moving wraiths. 

The only thing I had wrong with it was the ending. Without giving anything away, it got a little anti-climatic. Other than that... South Park! 

Yes, I was thinking about South Park the whole time I was watching. I was thinking of the South Park episode, "World War Zimmerman." If you haven't watched that episode yet, watch it. That's all I have to say about that. 

Classic Awkward pic of the day!

The Tale of Teste-Hands

Twas a boring Saturday night at work. Quite dead. I'd already cleaned up a bit when the phone at my register rang. It was a co-worker. She pointed out two guys and warned me to make sure to wash my hands if I end up touching anything one of the guys gives me or one of the guy's hands.

It didn't take me long to notice why. The guy's hands were going in his pants. A lot. It'd be one thing if it happened one time. I'd still want to wash my hands afterwards, but they seemed to go in his hands every three seconds. And not just in the front. It was kinda disgusting how slowly they were watching, and how much of a train wreck it was like watching the two men pass with one of them getting handsy with his own junk. After he passed, I felt very obligated to wash my hands.

Well, I thought it was over, but it wasn't. Because they went through my line. Try as I might, I couldn't seem to avoid touching the hand. Fingertips seemed to touch knuckles, while flat ends of fingers touched palms. I couldn't avoid it no matter how hard I tried. And when they left, I couldn't leave to wash my hands right away because of another customer.

Never has someone scratching themselves made me so irrationally paranoid and so disgusted at the same time.

Awkward picture of the day!

The Scary College Teacher

Today, I'm going to talk about a writing teacher I had that scared the living hell out of me that inspired me to get published. He had an ego and had the demeanor of an asshole. And could go on rants that were so bad that he managed to drive one kid to change classes. But if you could brave them and not shake too badly, he had some great insights to writing.

Granted, he did warn the class that he did turn into a raving idiot, but I still dreaded the days where it was time to critique. He was never too bad with me, but I was never sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. The biggest tip I took to heart from that class that I still use today was to read everything out loud that I write. If there's a mistake, I'll hear it. I can't tell you how many weird-ass sentences I've caught just from reading something out loud. It works.

And that is my writing tip of the day.

Awkward pic of the day!

How I love the Master

The Gallant "Oh Shit!" Death

We've all heard of different deaths. The ways people die. Dramatically, bravely, tough guys.

Today, we're going to talk about the, "Oh shit!" death. What is that, you ask? The "Oh shit!" death is a death usually characterized by when someone's last words are the name of the death. Oh shit. And, just for fun, why don't we count how many times we say, "oh shit!" at the end of the article? The prize can be whatever you want it to be with your group of friends. I don't care. I'm not physically there to dictate what your little prize is.

Anyway, before I continue with the shit discussion, I must warn you, there are going to be spoiler alerts in this post, so if you hate spoilers, you may want to stop leaving now. Otherwise, the next "Oh shit!" death may be yours. Now let's have some fun and read about this very distinct death scene.

As you've probably already figured, the gallant, "Oh Shit!" death is something that's pretty much only seen in the movie's I've yet to really read it in a book. Though if any of you have seen it in a book, please comment. These moments are usually characterized when a villain thinks he's won and goes crazy, not noticing that the good guy's done something the turn the tables, ultimately killing him. The last words the villain says are, "Oh shit!" and the villain dies.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

My two favorite ones come from the movies Little Shop of Horrors and The Rundown.

In Little Shop of Horrors, the Audrey II has gotten so huge and so out of control, he doesn't care if he gets caught eating people anymore, and Seymor walks in on him eating his girlfriend. Audrey II reveals himself to be an alien that's quickly reproducing, quickly breaking into song, singing to Seymor that he'll never win because his plant babies will eat all of humanity. Suddenly, Seymor sees  power currents and plugs them into Audrey II. The electricity surges through Audrey II, forcing the plant to scream, "OH SHIT!" before exploding into a million pieces.

The Rundown wasn't as explosive. Chrisopher Walken was the villain. He had a couple victory words and walked a couple victory steps before he whispered, "Oh shit!" and fell over, dead. Both entertaining. Both great "oh shit!" deaths.

If you have any more of these deaths, please comment.

As for the "Oh shit" count? If you counted twelve, you win!

Awkward picture of the day!

Future of Storytelling Class

Anyone out there want to learn about different ways to tell stories? I've recently signed up for a class called The Future of Storytelling. What can I say? I'm a storyteller at heart. So it'll be interesting to see what happens.

Instead of an awkward picture of the day, here's a link to the class to enroll if you're interested.

https://iversity.org/courses/the-future-of-storytelling?enrol=true&signup=true#shareCourseModal

Arrival of the Books!

So as I look at the book that came in today for my mother, I realized, I forgot two important things. I feel quite silly for forgetting them. The first one is the page numbers. I can't believe I completely forgot about the page numbers from spending so much time stressing out about the formatting. Oops.

The second one I forgot is the dedication page. So I will reveal the people who I dedicate this book to on here.

To Eric, Katlyn, Megan, Mandy, and James B.

Instead of an awkward pic of the day, I'll post a picture of my book. :)

Fire Drills.....

As some of you readers know, I have a job as a substitute teacher. And anything can happen as a substitute teacher. I've had things from a kid literally running into another kid's fist to learning a new dance called the "Cat's Daddy."

Today, the school I was at decided to be ambitious and have two fire drills in one day. The first one went okay. No problems. The second one, however, was on a prep hour. I had gone downstairs to use the bathroom when I heard the sirens go off for the second drill. Blasting sirens and flashing lights all in the bathroom.

Unfortunately, this wasn't one of those times where you could just up, re-pants and go. Oh, no no no. I was still in the process when it all went out. When I was done, I flushed and tried to look for a way out.

Ever seen the inside of a school during a fire drill? For the longest time, I thought it just say empty as everyone stood outside awkwardly. Actually, what happens is that there are special walls that come out during the fire drill that block the hallway out. So I couldn't really walk out of the school to get out of the school. So until then, I stood awkwardly in the teacher's lounge.

When I heard the kids coming back in, I casually strolled out of the teacher's lounge, and walked with the kids to the classes like I was with them the whole time.

Moral of the story? Don't go poop when you know a fire drill is looming.

Awkward pic of the day!

Also, if I haven't plastered your pages enough, I finally published my book I've been talking up! I published through CreateSpace. Any time someone buys a copy of my book, it's produced and sent to them. Because two people have bought my book so far, two copies of the book are being created and sent to people right now. :) 

https://www.createspace.com/4460603

And for those of you that prefer the Kindle version...

http://www.amazon.com/Masked-Omen-ebook/dp/B00FI2WDH8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380598793&sr=8-1&keywords=Masked+Omen

So get your copies today! 

Drinking Games

Sadly, I don't have any alcohol to get the Big Bang Theory drinking game. I wish I did. It would make for quite a night. Especially since BBT is on for an hour today. What are some other TV shows that have drinking games? I know Dr. Who is one of them, but who else?

Awkward Picture of the Day!

Awkward Moments in China!

There will be a new blog dedicated to my adventures in China. Problem is, I don't know what to name it! Does anyone want to contribute any ideas?

So far there's a couple ideas I had....

Awkward Moments in China

Fat Kid, Skinny Country

Anything else, give me a suggestion!

Awkward Photo of the day!

Make-Up. Holy Balls....

A couple days back, I bought some mascara that would supposedly make my eyes bigger if I used it. I was fairly curious. Mainly because I was hoping I could get a subtle change to my look. Nothing wrong with it. I just wanted my eyes to look bigger.

Of course, I tried it, and unfortunately, my eyes didn't look any bigger. I had a friend actually tell me that she didn't even notice I was wearing any mascara at all. Of course, it got me thinking. How the hell did the make-up industry manage to hook me, who doesn't even like wearing makeup?

It's a strange thing. It's not even that great of a thing. To me, it's nothing but glorified colored powder. But for once it got me. My main thing was that I didn't look like the Westerner that I am, so I thought getting mascara was going to help. Nope! I should've known better than that. But I'll learn next time.

They say that some lipsticks have cayenne pepper extract in them to irritate a woman's lips to make them bigger. I'm not sure if that's really true or not, but I think that's a little far-fetched to get a woman's lips bigger than what they want it to be.

The beauty industry is probably one of the strangest industries ever. If you really think about it, they spend tons and tons of money on making even the most confident woman feel bad about her appearance in hopes she will buy their product to feel good about themselves again. It kind of goes along with the the cultural standard that a woman's only purpose in this world is to be hot.

Just try having a conversation with the average teenager. If you talk about things like politics, world history, or even math, the girl might shut down and say she's too stupid to know anything about this. This isn't true of all girls. But of a lot of girls I know. They're bright. They know something is up with all of these topics. But try to get a girl to talk about it, she gets uncomfortable and shuts down.

Yet, you get her talking about makeup and fashion, then suddenly she's a chatterbox and a wealth of knowledge.

This is almost the same of grown women too! Take the time to think about it. How many conversations have you had with another female where the start of it has been, "I like...." and it's something superficial? Very few times, it seems, the conversation strays from something other than looks. How strange is that?

End my rant with the awkward pic of the day!

Guilty Pleasure Books

Today I'm going to talk about books that people probably shouldn't like but can't help it when they do.

I recently joined the Fifty Shades of Grey band-wagon and am currently on the third book. I know what you're thinking. Need to get my porn reading out of my system, right? But here's the thing. It's actually not the raunchy sex that has kept me reading through the series. It makes it interesting, and makes me curious about that kind of lifestyle, but in the sense of a sociologist.

The reason I've been engaged in the book is because of one character. His name is Jack. His last name, I have no idea. He first appeared towards the end of the first Fifty Shades book. From the way he was written, it was clear that he's a sleaze. It had you wondering if he was going to show off the sleaze now, or if he was going to wait until future books to show it off.

In the second book, he had a bigger part, and the whole time I found myself wondering, "Is he going to make a move on her yet?" What's he going to do.

Now here I am on the third book, and I don't want to give anything away. I've only read the first page. So I have no idea what's going to happen with the characters. Christian and Ana's relationship doesn't interest me. Their relationship is too predictable to keep me interested in that. Instead, I'm more intrigued by the side characters. Hence why I've kept reading, even after I found out Fifty Shades is Twilight fan-fiction.

What will happen? Hmm.... Hard to say. But we'll find out! Tell me about your guilty pleasure book. Even if it's a book that you're supposed to hate!

Awkward Picture of the day!

Overthinking Thursday

While it's still legal to think, it's time for the masses to use those underused brains of theirs and really give that organ a hell of a workout.

"But how?" you ask? Simple. If you don't want to think all the time, take one day and just think the hell out of it. Hence why there's such a thing called Over-Thinking Thursday!

It's a bit of a new tradition, really. How you participate is simple. Take whatever topic you feel like. Politics, your favorite fan-doms (Like Harry Potter or Doctor Who), or any sort of thought you want to express. Once you've come up with something, you must post it on facebook and see what happens. Either you'll get a reaction and start up quite the conversation on Facebook or Twitter, or nothing will happen at all. It's all up to the people to join in on entertaining this thought.

"Do you have to agree with whatever you're talking about?" No! The point of Over-Thinking Thursdays is to entertain a thought. If there's a "What-if" question that's been eating at you for a while, post it! Entertain the thought. It's all up to you. YOU are the thinker!

Awkward pic of the day!

What Happens When you Read 50 Shades at Wal Mart

For those that don't know yet, I've joined the 50 Shades bandwagon for the time being. I'm currently reading the second book.

So I'm at Wal Mart today, waiting for pictures to be developed so I can get everything together for China. And as I'm waiting I decide to read the 50 Shades book. I look up in time to see one of the Wal Mart workers walking out of one of those "Employees Only" doors. She says, "I like your book! Wait till you get to the third one!"

Awkward picture of the day!

How China Came to Be

And now, boys and girls, I will tell you the tale of how I managed to land a deal with Disney to go to China.

Disney has a program to teach children English by the name of Disney English. A customer at my dad's bar came in one day with a paper to the website to Disney English. For a while, I held off on applying because of my confidence not being so high. But after rejections from every other company, I finally went, "What do I have to lose?" and applied last Sunday.

The next day, I had an e-mail waiting for me saying that I didn't have the qualifications for the Director Role that I applied for. BUT! I was qualified for another job through them. They sent me a link to a title called Foreign Trainer. Which is pretty much an English teacher. So I decided to not throw away a job offer and apply.

The day after that, they sent me an e-mail inviting me to fill out a questionare survey to figure out my personality. Not even an hour after I filled it out, I was scheduling a SKYPE interview. At 2:30 AM, I'm interviewing. They almost said no to me because Disney is so rigid on two years of post-college work experience. But when the interviewer realized her mistake, the interview began again.

Finally, I get a call last Thursday saying that I landed the job and would be shipping out in November. Best. Day. Ever. :D

And now I've been doing mad paperwork as well as TEFL-C certification. That is craziness. I couldn't believe how fast it was. :)

Awkward picture of the day!

 

Green

Guess who had a dumbass moment? I'll give you a hint. She has two thumbs, and writes a blog called Awkward Moments. Well, this is one of them.

On my way to my lunch hour at work, I was stopped by one of my co-workers so she could ask if I had a Green Card. I looked at her, confused. I thought she knew I was American. So I tried as best as I could to nicely say, "I'm American. Why would I have one of those."

Turns out, she was saying Green CAR not card. Rain was pouring down so hard that someone's green car was soaked because their windows were down. Oops.

Awkward picture of the day!

And Now, the Fun Part

Excellent! I have finished Prophecy! And now to hunt for publishing companies.

So far in my hunt, I've found that most of the companies in Michigan are Christian-based companies. Nothing's more annoying to a publisher than a new author that doesn't read the guidelines. And considering two of my characters.... It wouldn't be a good idea.

But! No worries. It's just trying to figure out what my book qualifies as.

It's a modern-day Wizard of Oz, essentially. When a girl has a freak accident where she and her cousin fall through a patch of thin ice, she wakes up in a different world. She befriends a soldier in training and a freed slave. She finds that if she ever wants to go home, she must help the freed slave find a man who is the key to awakening a prophecy that effects the whole world.

Dumb plot: Can the girl help fulfill this prophecy and save the world?

Real plot: If she does this, can she move on?

I hope that helps sum it up. Now it's time to figure out what genre to sell it to. hmm.....

How to be a Woman WITHOUT Popping Out Kids

One day, I read a Time Magazine article talking about how in America, womanhood is determined by being a mother. Weirded me out because I'm in my mid-20's with not a kid to be seen. And apparently, according to society, that means I'm just a girl, not a woman. Frankly, I strongly disagree with this idea. I think there's 3 ways to be a woman without having to get your bang on with a dude to have a kid. Here they are!

3. BE EDUCATED! Let's face it. Nobody likes a dumb-ass. Especially when that dumb-ass decides she's going to be cute about being stupid. 

Woman to prove my point: Jessica Simpson.... Think about it......

2. IT'S NOT A RACE TO GET YOUR BANG ON! Lately, a lot of girls, especially teens, get ostracized for whether or not they've been bumping uglies. But the problem is that in this country, it's contraversial whether or not the girl gets a proper sexual education. If she wants to find out anything, she's going to have to either find that one family member who's a little too open about her sex-capades, or Urban Dictionary it. And even if she does know, it's not guarenteed she'll actually listen. And a lot of times, it doesn't do the girl good if she does brag about it. It's okay to be comfortable with your sexuality. Not okay to brag about it. It makes you look desperate. 

Case in point: Ke$ha. She writes songs about being sleazy and drinking to make herself look cool. I actually can't stand her because she makes herself look like a partying sleaze. It makes me sad that she would hide the fact she's a History/Math nerd. Frankly, I think it's the coolest thing ever that she would sneak into college lectures when she was in high school. 

1. MAKE THE MAN COME TO YOU! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! Just as no one likes the dumb-ass that acts stupid because she thinks it's cute. No one likes the desperate, weak woman. If they do, it's because they think the woman's that easy to control and manipulate. As they say, a strong woman scares a weak man. How you find your strength depends on you. 

Case in Point: Whoopi Goldberg. Strange I'd throw her in this countdown, right? Well, it's mainly because she had a romance that didn't workout, but she still managed to find a successful life, even without it. She didn't let it consume her. That's how to not be desperate and weak. :) 

So that's it. THAT's how you can be a woman without popping out kids. You don't need to be a mother to be a woman. Or else it'd be a little awkward to tell the "old maids" they're just little girls because they never got married and have kids.

Awkward picture of the day!

Lets Be Honest

Lets Be Honest

So I've gotten bored enough to make another blog, and this one I'm getting paid for. So go try it! If I get 500 people referred I get paid.

Evolution of a Writer

Huzzah! I've got to say this. ALMOST DONE!!!!!!! I made it to Chapter 44 last night with the editing. Granted, I've got to go back and read 5 chapters out loud, but still! That's really far into it! That means I'm so much closer!

Ever since I was a little kid I've always wanted to publish a book. I'm sure my mom still has my makeshift Mario fanfiction I made when I was a little kid. I'd write, draw the pictures, then put it all together to make a book. Can you a imagine 8 year old drawings on notebook paper tied together with string?

Of course, once I really got into the internet, I became slightly addicted to fanfiction. For once, my writing could be published! I'm not sure if my fanfiction is still on the internet now, but it was great saying I was published. There are a couple books floating around where I've published a couple depressing poems too.

So of course, when I find other ways to get my name out there I get excited. Cause that means when it comes time to put Prophecy on the bookshelves, I'll have an easier time when more publishers know my name.

Dammit! I'm trying so hard not to make the blog about myself but about things I find strange and awkward and just plain out there, but it's not going so well! Balls!

Oh! By the way! Instead of an awkward picture this time around, here's a link to another website I have for selling It Works products. I've been busting my bum selling these things. :) So here's the link! Check it out, become a loyal customer, You know you want to! :D

https://northernmislim.myitworks.com/Home

Dirty Posts and Novel Updates

I've finally reached Chapter 30 in editing. I know, it's such an odd thing to be celebrating, but what choice do I have? It's either celebrate how close I am to finishing the nit-pick stage, or give a detailed description of Tuesdays encounter, which I don't think is the wisest thing to do. I might, in case I get tired of getting asked all the time how the surgery went. But it's not my style to make a blog all about me. Especially when there are more awkward topics out there to discuss.

Like how fun it is to post dirty-sounding statuses and then post what you really mean once you have everyone convinced you're a little perv. In reality, they're the pervs because they were the ones that thought dirty. You all know you've done it before. Posted a strange post wondering how many people would immediately take it dirtily then posted what you really mean. I can't believe I just typed dirtily. Apparently, that really is a word.

Awkward picture of the day!

How Can Wet Noodles and Cats Go Together?

One day at work, my co-worker and I were working when a customer that my co-worker knew came to the desk. They got into an interesting conversation, which I probably would've joined in on if I didn't have a customer too. The most I heard from it was, "When you get to my age..." It was bound to be interesting, seeing how this customer was an older woman. At least in her 70's. Maybe 80's. It was hard to tell because of the energy she had. After the customer left, the co-worker told me what had to be the funniest way to describe senior sex that I'd ever heard.

"When you get to be my age, it's like taking a wet, limp noodle and shoving it up a cat's ass. My mother told me that, and I never understood it until it happened to me."

Of course, I couldn't help myself. I laughed for a good five minutes. I've never heard anything like that. The co-worker disappeared for a little bit. Probably to help another customer. It was dead where I was, so unfortunately, as my brain does whenever it has a free moment. It started to wander. On a normal basis, it tries to think of ways for Prophecy to make sense. Basically, I edit in my head. Or I'm thinking of what the plot to Escape, the sequel to Prophecy, will be. That day, that was completely pushed out of my mind. Instead, I tried to picture the quote.

Fortunately, oh so fortunately! My brain understands the first rule of ANYTHING! What has been seen cannot be unseen. So any time my brain saw the noodle going anywhere near a cat, in my head, there would be howling cat sound that would break me out of my thought.

When my co-worker came back, the first thing she asked me was, "You're trying to picture it, aren't you?" I couldn't hide it. She laughed and said, "I am too." I didn't feel so alone anymore.

Awkward picture of the day!

When Things that Work for Others Don't Seem to Work for Me.

With the rise of almost everyone I know getting serious relationships, getting engaged, getting married, having babies, it kinda makes me wonder how done I really am with that part of my life. I'm not in any hurry to jump in the relationship bandwagon and find a boyfriend that could be a potential husband. From my experience, I think I'd have to go the glacier route for that to ever be the case with a guy. My life has a bad, bad pattern of getting worse if I date or get a boyfriend. But my experience also tells me that it may be rare or non-existent for me to ever get to that point.

I'm fine with it. I like doing what I want without feeling like I have to turn to somebody. I like not having to worry about whether I can follow a dream without a guy threatening to break up with me. And not having to worry if the guy will take drastic actions to keep me from going anywhere. It's actually quite nice.

So while everyone's getting relationships, getting married and popping out kids, I'll be over here going, "Hey! Look at this new thing I posted!" while simultaneously being happy for them. It works for them, but I've yet to see it really work for me.

Awkward picture of the day!

Novel Update

I'm officially halfway through with nit-picking! Granted, once I nit-pick, there's going to be a final read-through to make sure everything makes sense before I send it to the dreaded land of the publishing, but that's okay! But maybe my goal of getting Prophecy published by the end of the year will come to pass! I'd like to think that! That would be freakin epic!

Awkard picture of the day!

Damn You, Cyber-Space!

I don't know how this happened, but the internet has finally taken over my feelings in a way I didn't think was ever possible. Deleting a bunch of pictures because they showed the King of Slime has made me feel liberated.

How did this happen? I'm not the type of person that let's something as small and insignificant as facebook dictate how I feel! Yet here I am, feeling a lot better than I did a few hours ago because I deleted pictures not only from my facebook, but from my computer as well!

Cyber-space has dictated my feelings. Great job, internet! You've finally managed to control my feelings for once in my life. Balls.

Awkward picture of the day!

Another Short Story! Veldiman Legends and Fairy Tales!

Before I get to the story, let me explain something real quick. As most people know, I've been working on a novel for quite some time. In fact, I'm actually in the nit-pick stage before I send it off to the publishers! This particular novel mostly takes place in a land called Veldima. So this is one of the stories from that particular place.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

The Jeweler's Wife

Once, long long ago, in a long-lost city in the Rowan Mountains, lived a young maiden. This maiden was not rich, nor was she necessarily poor. Her beauty, however, was known through the Rowan Mountains. Her hair was like gold while her eyes were like chocolate. When she spoke, her voice was soft, but it was like listening to tiny wind-chimes.

The maiden was married to the city's jeweler. Though he lovingly doted on his wife, she didn't care for him the way he cared for her. She spent her days wondering what else was out there besides a jeweler. While her husband was blind to her true feelings, his mother was not. Every day, when they were alone together, his mother warned him that his wife would be the death of her. But the jeweler simply shook his head, saying, "Mother, that's nonsense. We love each other dearly."

"A real loving woman wouldn't always wonder what else is out there," his mother warned.

One day, while the maiden was helping her husband clean the shop after a long day, a messenger boy knocked on the door. Curious, the maiden took the paper handed to her and read it out loud.

"The prince has returned from his tour of the Rowan Mountains!" she read. "In three night's time, he will be giving a ball to find his future wife. All the single women of the Rowan Mountains are invited!"

"What about us?" the jeweler asked. "We are married, but we have no children. Are we invited too?" His wife dutifully read the invitation and shook her head. No married folks were invited to the ball.

"Well, I guess we'll be busy for the next three nights," the jeweler said cheerfully. "Come, wife, let's go to bed. We'll have a busy day tomorrow."

On the night before the ball, the maiden was having a glass of wine alone in her home. Her husband was still at the shop. As she sipped the last of her wine, a small pixie girl appeared before her. The maiden glanced at the bottle to see how much she'd drunk, but it was only the first glass.

"Are you a demon?" she asked.

"Are you?" the pixie replied.

"No," the maiden said.

"I thought as much," said the pixie, "you're unhappy aren't you?"

"There's so much more out there than being some wife of a lowly jeweler," the maiden said. "I'd love to go to the ball. Maybe marry the prince myself! From what I hear, he is quite the handsome man..."

"Done," the pixie said.

"I'm sorry?" the maiden asked, confused.

"You wish to marry a prince and no longer be the jeweler's wife," the pixie said. "Done!"

"What about my husband?" the maiden asked.

"Tomorrow, he will give you a gift," the pixie answered. "That will be the last gift you ever receive from him. Simple as that."

"I don't know what to say," said the maiden.

"Nothing!" the pixie answered, curtsying. "I'll see you again soon!" And with that, the little fairy disappeared.

The next day happened as the little pixie said it would. The jeweler came home from the shop and handed her a small gift. It was a golden chain with a heart-shaped ruby.

"I'm sorry we can't go to the ball," the jeweler said, "but I hope this gift makes up for it." He embraced his wife warmly and went to sleep. The maiden placed the necklace on herself, dressed in her finest clothes, and went to the ball while her husband slept.

Little did she know that soon after she left, her husband awakened and found she wasn't next to him. He looked around their house and found she wasn't there. He went to look for her.

He found her at the prince's ball, looking more dazzling than the day he met her. She was dressed in her best green gown, wearing the very gift he gave her that day. She danced very close to a man the jeweler immediately recognized as the prince. He felt the pain in his chest as he saw how happy she'd looked compared to how she was at his home. And then his heart shattered when he heard her speak.

"Oh, I have some jeweler chasing after me, but I don't feel any love for him. My eyes are only for you, sweet prince." The prince smiled at her words. The jeweler hung his head and walked back home. His chest heavy with pieces of his heart.

In a week's time, the jeweler fell very ill. His wife and his mother paid very high prices for a doctor, but none could find a cure for his sickness. In another week, the jeweler died, heartbroken and sad.

While the maiden showed just the right amount of sadness, his mother was heartbroken. She went mad with finding out the truth about her son. She didn't believe it was an illness but murder. The old woman called to anything that would listen to help her find her son's murderer. A pixie appeared before the old woman and confessed her part in her son's death. This pixie gave the woman her magic in hopes the woman would use it wisely.

At the jeweler's funeral, his wife stood by his coffin, wearing the last gift he ever gave her. She twisted the necklace around her fingers and gazed at the closed coffin. She bowed her head and ordered for the torch to be lowered on the coffin.

With an enraged scream, the jeweler's mother burst through the crowd. With a gnarled finger, she pointed at the jeweler's wife and screamed again.

"Murderer!" the old woman screamed. "I know what you really did! You are the reason my son is dead! Now you must pay the price!"

"You're mad with grief," the maiden said dismissively. Suddenly, the maiden felt a tightening in her chest. The pain burned within her. She grabbed at her chest, surprised to find her necklace was gone!

"I've replaced your heart with my son's gift," the woman cursed. "For the rest of your miserable life, and many lifetimes after that, your heart will be the death of you! You will never again feel the love that my son gave you!"

"I was miserable as his wife!" the maiden protested.

"And you will never know love's true goodness as your punishment!" the woman cursed again, "if you do find a man who will love you, his love will immediately cause the chain around the ruby to shatter, killing you instantly!"

"Blasphemy!" the maiden yelled. "Someone, please take this witch away from here!" Before the jeweler's mother could reply, guards come and arrested her for witchcraft. She was put to death not long after the curse. The maiden, ashamed of her deeds, soon left the Rowan Mountains and moved to the Central Point.

Years passed. The maiden had many suitors, but none of them loved her the way her dead husband did. If she fell for a man, he never reciprocated. Maybe the old woman's curse worked after all.

Until she met a baker. The moment the two of them locked eyes, it seemed the maiden would finally find a husband that would give her the same love and affection her old husband did. They were seen together every time the baker wasn't in the shop.

One day, the baker came to her home and presented her with a gift. An engagement ring.

"Will you marry me?" the baker asked. But before the maiden could happily say yes, the chain around her heart crushed her. The fragile ruby shattered into millions of pieces, and the maiden died at the baker's feet.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Awkward picture of the day!

Little-Kid Glee

When I was in my first spring semester of college, I was taking my first semester of Chinese. I would get so excited after every Chinese lesson, I'd practically beg any Chinese friend I had to let me practice small words with them. Even if it was just, "Hi, how are you?" It was like opening a child's eyes, in  sense, to a new passion that would stick with them for life.

Ever see a little kid when they learn something? It's probably one of the coolest things I've ever seen. The way their eyes light up when they've grasped something they were taught. Afterwards, they've got to show this new thing they've learned to every person they see. The weird thing is when adults do it. Not because they're excited about what they've learned, but in some cases it can be seen as bragging.

No matter what age, that little-kid glee always shows whenever someone learns something new about their passion. Personally, I love watching that in people. It's a great thing. No matter the age, the eyes light up the same whenever someone discovers something new or grasps a new lesson.

These days, I've been busing myself with projects so I can get that Little-Kid glee back. I gave up on trying to find my old Chinese books for now. But once I've found them, you better believe I'll be pouring myself into them again so I can remember the reading and writing part. I'm surprised at how much I still remember of the speaking. Reading and writing, however, is a different story.

It's been surprisingly hard for me to get the Glee back. The closest is when I create things. Whether it's making a new blog post or writing a new story, or making movies on my computer or creating my covers of different songs. I thoroughly enjoy creating. That same kind of inner peace I get when I was learning Chinese.

 I don't like to not learn. I feel like I'm wasting my brain. If I can learn something. Anything, my little-kid glee might come back. One can only hope.

Now to give this place a smile. Awkward pic of the post!

That Ratty Piece of Clothing...

We all have that one piece of clothing that we can't seem to throw away because for some unknown reason, we favor it so much. It can be ratty, filled with holes, be so big that you look fatter than Oprah at her heaviest. Yet, despite nothing being flattering about said piece of clothing, for some reason you can't seem to throw it away.

For some people, it's a pair of socks. Others it's a T-shirt or a pair of jeans. For others it can be panties or other sorts of underwear. (I won't judge if your favorite ratty clothing is a pair of underwear.)

Mine is a light blue tank top that's about two sizes too big for me now. There's a picture of a pink-haired fairy on it and has rips and tears everywhere. I actually have to wear a second shirt underneath the tank top so that I'm not giving off any side-boob. I've had it since my senior year of high school, and for some reason I can't bring myself to throw it away. Don't ask my why, cause I really don't know. It doesn't have any sentiment too it. It's just a shirt. That I can't get rid of.

No matter how hard you try to deny it, everyone has at least one piece of fabric that you can't seem to throw away no matter how hard you try. So tell me, what's yours?

Awkward picture of the day!

Facebook Doesn't do this Thought Justice

It won't be very often I make posts about myself. Very rare, actually. I don't like to get too personal on a blog. It gets tacky if it's done too much. Especially on one like this one that has no actual theme. Just random thoughts that pop through my head.

Anyway, it goes something like this. At a party I was at last night, a small conversation came up about zodiacs. How we'd identify by both Chinese zodiac and the Astrological zodiac. Mine happens to be Sagittarius and the Year of the Rabbit. Archer and Rabbit. Or to really put it in interesting terms: The Hunter AND the Hunted.

So if I were to spend my life following horoscopes, does that mean I'll be spending my life trying to find myself, or constantly shooting myself in the ass?

We've got the Sagittarius side, who is constantly seeking, searching, a constant thirst for knowledge. Never wants to sit down. Always on the go. I've read some horoscopes that will go as far as to say that my fashion will change depending on the places I travel to in my life time. I'm sure I've seen it here and there. I've adopted some random fashions from the places I've been.

And then there's the Rabbit. The Rabbit is supposed to be the luckiest of the signs. Unfortunately, it's never been clear on whether or not that luck is good or bad. Not only that, but if the Rabbit was so lucky, why didn't it win first place instead of the Rat in Buddha's race? (If it was Buddha that had that race in the first place. I could be wrong there.).

Either way, it actually explains a lot...

If I were to go by the zodiacs...

A Post to Fit the Title of this Blog

As the summer goes on, a strange thought occurred to me. People, young and old, wear shorts. Except me. I'm a little shy about what my legs look like. It's not that my legs are wrinkly. My legs are covered in mosquito bites. But really, who has ever seen a wrinkly leg?

Think about it. Faces wrinkle. Arms wrinkle. Fat rolls wrinkle. Even our hands and feet wrinkle. Has anyone ever seen a pair of legs wrinkle? Legs get skinny, fat, veiny, and bony. But do they ever get wrinkly? Hairy. Never wrinkly. How is it that they're the one body part that never develops wrinkles? It's a strange development.

Awkward picture of the day!

How to Define a Good Person

These days, it seems like people define being good as being perfect. Whenever someone makes the smallest mistake, people cling to that person's mistake till the end of time. Being good to people is like wearing shaping underwear that's three sizes too small. When you make a mistake, it rips, and you have nothing to replace it with. So you're stuck with ripped underwear for all to see.

This isn't a new thing. Throughout history the most important figures are written as perfect figures. Think about it. Most people can not think of any imperfections that George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Martin Luther King Junior, or Eleanor Roosevelt might have. The only way anyone could find a dark side to any of these figures would be if somebody studied these figures. Writing this post, I can tell you I can't tell you any certain imperfections of these people. Except Ben Franklin. I can tell you Ben Franklin owned slaves and used sex to get the French on our side during the Revolution. But other than that, I couldn't tell you about any other dark side.

The point I'm trying to make with this is that people try so hard to be perfectly good that when when all the bad they've done is thrust upon them, they forget a very important part.... owning up. Part of being a good person is not keeping tabs on all the good deeds you've done in your life. That's insignificant compared to the times you've stepped back and admitted you were wrong.

I will not sit here and tell you I'm a good person. There are people I hate, people I dislike. I've sat here and talked about others behind their backs. I've made fun of others, insulted them, bitch-slapped someone in the parking lot of a restaurant when they made me mad. I even got myself blocked during a game of drunken facebook roulette. I'm not proud of what I did at all. In fact, I feel childish of all of the stuff I did. If I ever want to feel like a good person in the future, I have to step back and admit this stuff happened. That's the bitter truth of it.

Moral of the post. If someone tries to tell you they're a good person, chances are they're not. The ones that try to tell they're not a good person are probably a better person than the ones that are. If not, then they're at least more humble.

Awkward picture of the day!

 

When Female Friends Get Married

The hardest thing to get used to when a female friend gets married is not being able to call them by their maiden name anymore. They're still the same person. The only thing that's changed about them is the last name. So if you've called them by the last name, then you have to get used to calling them by the first name now, or by a different last name. So that might be a little hard to deal with. Maybe. Or you might have to come up with a completely different name. Something. Names in general can be hard to deal with. Who knows?

Congratulations, my buddy who just got married, whose name I can no longer say cause she has a different one, and I haven't come up with a new one yet. lol


Awkward picture of the day!

CACTUS MONSTER!!!!!

While I was walking to the Front End at work today, I happened to notice a cactus. Cacti are a normal thing this time of year, but this one seemed, well, different. It had its usual cactus stance in a tiny cactus pot. Black plastic pot. The little plant, itself, had had a pointy popcorn look. Light green leaves pointing out from top to bottom. Pointy popcorn.

Then I noticed something weird about the cactus. From the left and right side of it, there were vines growing out. These vines looked quite long, curly, and have little leaves growing out of them. I couldn't stop staring at it. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen. I've discussed a villainous Cotton-Candy Fingers with one coworker, maybe this could be the enemy?

Imagine it, this tiny cactus monster, using it's skinny viney arms to push itself out of the fragile black pot its roots were confined in. It uses its arms to walk around until he finds his victims. Then, it does the horrifying. It buries its roots in the dirt, waiting for the victim to walk by. When the victim's ankle walks by him, he slowly wraps its leg around the walking unfortunate. Then, he tightens his grip when the victim is far enough away. For a thin vine, it's scary-strong.

The moment the vine tightens, Cactus Monster tugs so hard, the unfortunate falls! Another tug rips the cactus from the dirt and sends it flying in the air, landing on top of the victim. I won't describe the rest if the person is defenseless...

In case you're wondering, yes, you just read a post about evil cactus. How do you feel?

Awkward Picture of the day!

Mind blown yet?

Chameleon Day

Bad Day

I finally decided what to do with my life, and I set out to research what to do about it. How did it go, you ask? Completely fruitless. All the hotels around here simply laughed at me when I asked if they work with event planners. Not only do they not have event planners, but the managers do it themselves. Maybe I worded it wrong, but I was laughed at. Completely laughed at. I was actually close to tears when I got off the phone with one hotel staff member. I just want to know how to break in the program.

I wish I knew a better way of breaking into the program. I did find a website to help out. And I had a great talk with a former roommate. So now that should help me out. The only problem being that I'm so broke that I don't know if any company would help me with relocation. Especially when almost all great opportunities I've found have specifically said relocation help not an option. Maybe this is proof my life is cursed? Or maybe the town I'm living in is cursed.

How it Changed to Good.

A friend asked me to come to the beach with her. Great Swim. :) A little ice cream, and even though I wasn't sure how I'd feel about 50 Shades of Grey, I read two and a half chapters to the same friend, and she immediately bought the book after the reading. It was amazing. I felt accomplished. Somebody is reading a book now.

Grown Ups 2

If you haven't seen this movie yet, google the closest movie theatre to you and look for it! Then get in your car and drive to that theatre. Make sure you get the earliest time you can possibly go. Then sit in the theatre and watch that movie. It was awesome!

If you don't know what Grown Ups 2 is, here's the synopsis. The four guys from the first Grown Ups movie have come back to town. Mainly Adam Sandler's character. If I remember correctly from the first one. Adam Sandler's character went to Hollywood and married a fashion designer there. Well, he moves his family to his hometown to raise them. It seems like it's not a lot, but holy crap! The things that happen in this movie. I don't want to describe them because that would just take away from it!

One thing I did find strange about the movie was all the CGI animation throughout the movie. I don't think I've ever seen that much in a movie since Harry Potter.  I found that to be the most interesting that I've ever seen.

If I talk any more about the movie, I'm just going to sound like a ramble-fest. The movie was great. So much hilarity. It must be watched!

Awkwardness with Grandma.... and Other things

So, have you ever been lectured on what to do on facebook by the older generation? It strikes me as hilarious. Someone from my generation creates a social media. Then the older generation comes on and continues to tell us what to do. Some of it is insightful, other times it seems like they're just doing it to gripe.

We'll take, for example, my grandma. It's no secret that employers will go on your facebook. At times even override your firewall somehow so they can see your posts that only your friends can see. What does she do? Lectures me on what to post on facebook, who to add, etc. She even proceeds to go on my facebook page, through her facebook, so she can look for posts to tell me are horrible. Little did she know that I've modified my posts so she can't see anything unless I post pictures and statuses. I don't want to feel bad about being who I am. So when she went to find something to yell at me about, there was nothing. So she decided to show me other people's facebooks to show what she meant. Granted, these were already things I had no intentions of posting, but still. It's ridiculous.

And now for something completely different!

To help with getting excited for Prophecy being almost finished, I've decided to create playlists for important characters. It's going to be a long process, I know, but it'll help me get more motivated to finish editing, write the query and proposal, then send out my story to publishing companies. I'm excited! It'll work! Hope so anyway.

If You Haven't Noticed, There's No Theme

The oddest idea came to me today. One of my biggest challenges when writing stories is describing things and making sure my characters keep the same personality throughout the story. I thought of a great idea to keep the characters' personalities strong! Here it is...

I have a passion for music. So, what if I determined the kind of music my characters would listen to if they were living in this day and age?

Here's my perfect example. For those that don't know, I've been working on the sequel to Prophecy while I've been waiting to get my new computer back.

What is Prophecy you ask? Prophecy is the novel that I've been working on since I was 15. Once my computer comes in, and the hard-drive from the old computer gets put in the new one, I'll be nit-picking the hell out of it to make sure it's spotless.

What's Prophecy about? Simple. It's the story of Lina Rayne, a teenage girl who lost her parents when she was younger and now lives with her aunt Pam and cousin Ian. There was an uncle involved, but he ran three years before the story begins. Her mother had disappeared one day while on a trip to the store. Her father disappeared not long after that to look for her mother. This left Lina a very bitter teenager. Lately, her cousin Ian had been having some weird black-outs, one of those resulting in a freak accident that thrusts Lina into another world.

Lina finds herself nearly kidnapped by a greedy, rapey pimp who's in search of escaped merchandise and is quickly rescued by a soldier in training named Ben. The victory is short-lived when they're captured by a small band of Runaway Slaves lead by a girl named Lorelei. Lorelei believes herself to be the warrior of ancient prophecies. Together, the three of them must travel across the world of Veldima to find a mysterious wanderer so Loreleli can prove herself. It's the only way Lina can get home. They have to do this before the Demon King, Hafusel, rises up and begins to wreak havoc on the world.

Dumb plot? Can Lina help Lorelei and Ben save the world from the evil Demon King Hafusel?

Real Plot? If Lina helps defeat Hafusel, will she be able to move on?

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does that have to do with my music tirade? Simple! Music can usually help you figure out a person's personality, so if you knew the personalities of your characters, what kind of music do you think they'd listen to?

Take Lina. As Lina tends to be a little bitter, and slightly bitchy, she would probably be into My Chemical Romance. Or anything along the alternative rock/emo stage. Sometimes she gets a potty- mouth, so that maybe she goes for bands that have a lot of swearing in their songs.

Ian is focused a lot in the sequel. I've found with Ian, Mars Volta works wonders.

See? Music is one of the greatest companions to writing stories. It takes your story to places you didn't expect. Try it sometime when you're bored and need to either make a character assessment. Or even writing a story! Pick a band, and then start writing to see what kind of story you get when you've got that band playing. It'll be a fun experiment!

The Heat

Finally! Finally! A movie with a female protagonist that DOESN'T center on her going from Ugly Duckling to Beautiful Swan! Not only that, but for once there's no central plot of girl trying to get the guy! It was simply an action/comedy! It was freakin awesome!

First off, Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy need to make more movies together. The two of them were a great duo. Oddly, I could kind of see this movie getting turned into a spin-off TV show. Everything about it was sitcom material. You'd probably only see it on HBO cause of the language in it. (Which, by the way, I LOVED that there was a female that swore more than the male characters in the show. It's about time there was someone out there with more of a potty-mouth than me when I get going on a rant.)

Speaking of language, Melissa McCarthy's character was GREAT! Her performance was awesome! That woman made the show! It might've been pulled off with another actor, but it wouldn't have had the gold it did with McCarthy. She knows what the hell she's doing as that character. When she gets those potty-mouth roles, she knows how to milk them. It works out amazingly.

The only thing I really didn't like was the relationship between Sandra Bullock and Marlan Wayan's characters. The relationship seemed like it was slightly forced. And somewhat thrown in there to make it look more like a chick flick. Other than that, I loved this movie!

Old Story I'm Debating on Continuing

Here's a snippet of a story I started writing but couldn't finish cause I couldn't make it go anywhere...

************

Hands roughly shake my shoulders, jolting me awake. My heart beats so rapidly my chest burns. My breath turns rapid while my body shakes. I'm unable to move, unable to speak as the intruder continues shaking me.

"Step-mother!" That familiar voice snaps my eyes open. "Queen Melody! Oh, please wake up! It's Snow White!"

My eyes focused on the small figure in front of me. Hair black as ebony, lips red as blood, skin as white as snow. The mirror's words echoed as I gazed at Snow White from my bed. I squeeze my eyes shut and open them once again. She was really standing before me. Her lips pursed together, dark eyes narrowed. She didn't wear bed clothes but peasant clothes under an old cloak.

"You live!" I say happily. I want to laugh and pull her in my arms. The look on her face keeps me from jumping from the bed and doing so.

"I wish this meeting could be happier," she replies sadly, "but you must leave the castle now."

"I don't understand, Princess," I say as I slowly get out of bed. "What's happened?"

"Princess! Your majesty! King Artemy is on his way!" a servant girl, whose name I can never remember, rushes in my bedroom. She looks about my age, maybe a little older. Her hair is tied back in a tight bun. Two strands frame each side of her angular face. Her eyes are the same blue-gray as mine. With the right makeup and jewels, she could be my decoy.

"There's no time!" Snow White says hastily. "Quickly! Put on the Queen's best gown!"

"Yes Princess," The girl crosses to my wardrobe at the right of my bed and rummages through my gowns. As she strips before us, we hear faint footsteps approaching.

"We must go now!" Snow White rips my nightgown off me and wordlessly helps me into a plain black dress. She ties a cloak around me.

"My father is on his way to arrest you," Snow White explains quickly. My heart sinks. My hand clutches my chest; there as no reason for him to do this.

"For what crime?" I demand. Snow White doesn't answer right away but walks past the servant girl to the window by the wardrobe. She pushes it open. I give the servant girl a pitiful look. She gives me a brave, sad smile. A smile I'd seen before, long ago. I embrace the girl and kiss her on the forehead. Then I lead her to the jewelry box inside the wardrobe.

"Pick your favorite jewels," I say to her.

"We must hurry, Melody!" Snow White urges. The footsteps grow louder. they are almost at my door. Snow White and I cannot leave in time! I thrust my hand towards my step-daughter. Black smoke pours from my palm and engulfs her, making her disappear once it clears. I raise my hand above me and let the smoke consume me as well.

The servant girl is careful not to look around the room as my husband and his two best guards barge in my room. The girls knows Snow White and I are still in the room, for she has seen me cast this spell before. To Snow White, I look like a ghost. While she and I can see each other, the other people in the room cannot see the two of us.

"Trust me," I whisper in the servant's ear as I raise my finger up her neck. She blinks but makes no other sign I've taken over her speech. From the corner of my eye, I can see Snow White open her mouth to speak. My eyes bore into hers, and I shake my head. One sound from her, and the spell will be broken. Snow White's mouth snaps shut.

"Melody, my queen," Artemy greets, his grin growing as he speaks. "Such a surprise to see you dressed at this hour!" His graying mustache twitches under his small nose. He stands tall and straight while his two men stand on either side of him, their swords drawn. The king's long, silvery-black hair hangs past his shoulders. It must be late if he didn't bother to tie his hair back.

"It isn't proper for a king to see his queen when she's not at her best," the servant says. Her lips move, but my voice comes out. While my hand is on her shoulder, my lips move. This is so the words are right. After my lips stop moving, the servant smiles sweetly. Artemy's blue eyes watch my impostor then glance towards me.

The moon appears behind Snow White out the window. Moonlight makes the swords and black armor glow strangely. It gives Artemy's eyes an other-worldly glow. I'd once heard he descended from the fey. Seeing him in this light showed me how such stories could come about.

"Why have you come, dear husband?" I ask.

"To place you under arrest," he says, his voice low and pleasant. The sound of his voice could convince anyone to do whatever he wanted.

"Under what grounds?" I demand. My decoy makes a fist.

"Attempted murder, of course," he answers.

"Of who?" My decoy tries to step forward, but I grip her shoulder tighter. I notice the guards slightly raise their swords.

"Snow White," he says, "for it was, in fact, your apple that poisoned her. Your jealousy of her that drove you to commit such a heinous crime."

My body grows cold. I can't describe the shock going through me. Even though I know his words are false, I find myself believing him. Snow White watches me with caution.

"Many nights I heard you ask that mirror who was the fairest of all," he continued. "Oh, the anger that'd arise from you when the answer became Snow White!"

"That's not true!" my decoy shouts.

"If her betrothed hadn't found her lying in that glass coffin..."

"Betrothed?" the servant repeats.

"And now you're under arrest," Artemy says, "for your crimes, you'll dance to death in hot iron shoes!"

"You can't!" My servant and I protest together, almost making me reappear.

"Take her away," Artemy turns his back to us and waves his hand dismissively.

"It's not true!" the servant says. "I love Snow White! i love you! You know none of this is true, Artemy!" As the guards grab each arm and take the girl away, he turns; he seems to look in my eyes.

"Try as you may," he says coldly, "you will never be Amelia. Amelia was kind and made me a very happy man in our short marriage. You've been misery, cruelty. The only reason I married you was Snow White was too young for royal duties. There was never love between us. There never will be for as long as I live."

As he speaks, the pain in my chest grows. My hands are on my chest as I sink to my knees. I feel tears falling down my face. Snow White is at my side. She pulls my arm until I stand. Artemy walks away, his echoing footsteps fading until they disappear.

"We must go," Snow White's voice is low and hollow. I wonder if she believed her father's words as well. If she does, she makes no sign of it.

Though he's gone, Snow White and I are careful not to make any noise as we walk to the window. Artemy always had secret guards. Snow White beckons me to the window, and I follow. I look down; no horses waited for us on the ground. It would be a very high fall.

"It's the only way," Snow White whispers. her face is pale as she looks down.

"Snow White," I say; she looks in my eyes. They're as ethereal as her father's. Hopefully, that was the only thing she inherited from that man.

"Trust me," I offer my hand. She swallows hard, then nods. The princess takes my hand. Vibrations pass from my body to hers, and I see her relax. Her body spasms and loosens a bag strapped to her back. I didn't notice it before. Together, we step on the window's ledge and jump.

Our cloaks billow behind us as we float. We're like feathers letting the gentle breeze carry us to the soft grass below. Snow White's grip on my hand tightens. I fear she'll break it. The girl is much stronger than she realizes. Her grip is so tight, I can feel her pulse.

We keep walking when our feet touch the dirt so we don't trip upon landing. Snow White stumbles, but she regains her balance quickly. She lets go of my hand and walks in front of me at a quicker pace, her bag swaying from side to side as she steps. We remain silent as we distance ourselves from the castle. Every few steps, Snow White looks back to make sure we're not being followed. She avoids any paths that lead to the city in case the guards are already aware of my escape.

The sky is a mix of gray, pink, purple and green. A streak of blood-orange runs through the colors like a river through a thick jungle. Dawn. The most beautiful time of day.

A black horse stands at the edge of the forest, tied to a tree. It neighs and shakes its mane at the sight of us approaching. Its mane flows like it has its own breeze. Its saddled, stomping its front hoof the closer we approach.

Snow White unties the horse and leads it to me. it makes a noise and backs away when I reach to pet it. My eyes sting as I hold back tears. I hold my breath so I don't cry from the animal's reaction. Curse my mother's forceful teaching!

"It believes I'm evil too," I say. The pain in my heart grows. Snow White gives me a pitiful look. She pets the horse's muzzle. Her lips move like she's whispering to the beast. She lets go, and it approaches me warily. I reach my hand out a second time. Its fur feels coarse and oily.

"Thank you," I whisper, half-crying.

"Her name is Sophia," Snow White explains.

"Sophia," I repeat.

"Rest in daylight," Snow White instructs, "Travel only by night. Don't take the roads through the Emerald Sea. Stay away. Sophia won't need guiding. She knows the forest like it's her second home. When you emerge from the forest, you'll be safe. Sophia will come back to me. Take this."

Snow White takes off her bag and gives it to me. It feels so heavy and rough. I wonder how such a small girl can carry such a heavy bag as far as she does. I open it and gasp. Inside are five large, perfectly round apples.

"Snow White," I sigh.

"These apples healed me," she says, "and now, I'm giving them to you. One apple will cure every ailment."

"I don't know what to say," I reply.

"Then say nothing," she smiles. "You're the only mother I've ever known. I hate you must leave now, but I would rather see you alive than dead."

"Thank you!" I whisper, pulling her into a tearful embrace. At first, she doesn't  move. Then her arms go around me. She squeezes with all the strength she has left. When we let go, I give her one of the apples.

"I don't understand," she says.

"You need your strength for the journey back to the castle." I tell her. "Your father will become suspicious if you turn up missing." She nods then takes a bite.

"The servant girl," I say, "what was her name?" Snow White closes her eyes for a moment then raises her head and opens her eyes. Her sad look tells me she doesn't know.

"Go now," I tell Snow White, "Watch over that girl." She finishes the apple. Then she throws the core on the ground and runs back to the castle. She looks back one last time. I climb Sophia's back, swinging one leg over. I'm not used to sitting like a man. I tug the reins and Sophia trots into the Emerald Sea. Within a few steps, I slump forward, falling asleep on the creature.